Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Closet

The closet sucks.

I was raised to value honesty quite highly. To this day, few insults will get under my skin quite like being called a liar.

And yet I've spent every day since working out my sexual orientation keeping things from the people around me. It was years before I said anything to my father, and longer after that I spoke to my mother about it. And every new person who comes into my life, I need to make a decision about when or if they'll ever be allowed to know about this part of my personality.

I've chosen to speak openly about the fact that I am a pedophile in all my online dealings, in part, as a way to balance out the number of lies of omission I perpetrate on a daily basis.

No one likes being in the closet. No one likes keeping everyone around them at arms length, nor does anyone enjoy constantly questioning whether the people in your life would accept or reject you if they knew the secrets you're keeping from them.

I've been very cautious and very lucky. Everyone I've chosen to speak to in meatspace about my sexuality has accepted me and recognized that I'm not a psychopath just because of what I find attractive. Likewise they've all recognized it as my right to tell people or not as I choose. That adds up to three people including my parents.

I don't like thinking the worst of my friends and family, but the closet is, by its very nature, a defense mechanism. The stakes are quite high, since once this particular secret is out, my life changes forever, for the worse. There is at least one mandatory reporter in my family, and if he sticks with his schooling, another will be added among my friends in a few years time. I haven't broken the law, but not everyone understands what the law is, including friends, family, and mandatory reporters.

Anyone I tell both my real name and my orientation to is someone that I've chosen to trust with my life. Someone who's intentions and competence at keeping my secrets I consider beyond reproach. Because when I give those pieces of information to someone together, I'm willingly handing them the power to destroy my life by accident.

I really wish I didn't need that much trust in a person to share completely. I have nothing but respect for individuals who've publicly outed themselves, whether as pedophiles or as any despised invisible minority, since they're hastening the day when that level of trust won't be necessary. I hold nothing but contempt for those who out others against their will, since they've betrayed someone who put so much trust in them.

I find myself frequently evaluating my friends and family. What signs can I give that I could plausibly deny afterward? If this person responds badly, can I cut them out of my life effectively enough to avoid the worst consequences of that bad reaction? What do they already know about the subject, and is there a way to educate them on tolerance without inadvertently outing myself before I feel safe?

For everyone who's never had to spend time in the closet, you have no idea how lucky you are.


  1. YRR we do have an understanding about it how MAPS are. They are only considered with sex with kids and nothing else. They think their hurt feelings override a child's right having a healthy life. They deny the delevopmental process in humans to support the idea that even newborn babies can engage in sex. They are angered that guardians are making the best decisions for kids instead of just letting uncaring adults sexually use up their children. You have a lot of hatred for parents but so understand the responsibility of what it means to truly care for a child. In fact you don't even spend time around kids using the excuse "well I don't want to be accused of anything" yet this shows that you only have a sexuality fantasy of girls that you have no idea about
    who they are as a person. You don't understand children is really the issue. Plenty of adults who didn't have sex as children grew up with no issues because of that. You ignore this but once again MAPS ignore anything against their argument and create their own facts because their only goal is sex with kids. Kids have so much more to them, in fact they have real needs that need to be met. Do you volunteer in any way to help children? Do you donate money/food/clothes/items to help kids? Do you have an occupation that helps kids? Do you plan on adopting or fostering children? Do you help children with education? Do you help children in regard to menatal health? You were bullied but do you help bullied kids? Have you ever in your life helped boys (the ones you aren't sexually interested in?) The answer to all these is no because MAPS are selfish with a faux concern with kids. They won't be beneficial to kiss unless they know sex is an option. They lose all interest when the child no longer in the right age range. They don't see kids as fully human only objects for their pleasure and that even has short time span of worth. You will continue to play the victim spouting faux concern while those of us who care about children will continue to care for them.

    You also act as if everyone attacks you but you told a woman on another blog
    My reaction on reading this, which I still stand by is:Die in a fire and leave the world a better place for your absence. - See more at:

    Really? As much as you claim to such a victim and are upset at people attacking do just that to a woman on her blog. Honestly even if you weren't a pedophile the way to talk, act, think is enough to keep you away from kids. Now I see why you don't spend time around kids. Outside of your pedophilia you are an awful human being!! Nasty, condescending, arrogant, delusional and too many adjectives not enough time. It is clear you don't spend time around kids most won't like you. Others might be uncomfortable. Oddly enough your pedophilia isn't the worst part about you.

    1. People can read the context of that comment for themselves. I stand by what I said in that one and the followup.

      As for the rest, yes, actually, I do spend a lot of time working with young boys. Especially boys who've been targeted by bullying and need to find a way to feel safe again. I've become an instructor in the same martial arts program that helped me feel safe again after the brutal beating I've mentioned elsewhere on this blog.

      I don't talk much about it, because it's just a normal part of my day-to-day life. Besides, I know you and your ilk will twist any action or inaction by me into a reason to decide I'm a danger to kids, so I try to leave out the irrelevancies in a vain attempt to get you to focus on the issues. This is not now, nor has it ever really been about me.